Friday, December 19, 2014

I had my misgivings the first time I visited my house and met the new tenants but this time around its decorated for Christmas, it's very clean and well cared for and I just met the nicest lady and a couple of her kids.

She gushed about having a nice home across from a playground in a safe neighborhood. Told me about how they watch each others kids.

It looks lived in and has a good energy and it's such a contrast to the sadness and conflict I'd left behind there. I mighta got a lump and teared up leaving.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Gays have a colorful history with civil disobedience and young people are not aware of it.

There are some posts circulating where we're being accused of hypocrisy or indifference just because we won't join every other protest or riot that comes along our way.

I've liked some of the posts that remind us of Stonewall -- you should know about that one. And some of them will take it even further and invoke the White Night riots in San Francisco, which even fewer people know about. Gays got good and pissed off and fucked some shit up that night.

It's good to educate and inform. Learn about your goddamned heritage and who we are.

It's not good to shame young people just because they don't know their history.

A friend in Los Angeles questioned whether we should agree to just let people die because they don't behave like the hegemony. She got really angry at someone who said this was all about self worth. And she pointed out that there were people who thought (and think) we deserved HIV/AIDS because we have no self worth. That we got what we deserved with gay bashings and this virus.

Still others have bitterly lamented that no one was standing up for us and saying that our lives mattered during the AIDS crisis. That one touches a raw nerve and fewer people are willing to say it. I don't agree with that conclusion at ALL but I appreciate the fact that it's been said because that has helped me arrive at the conclusion that I have about all of this.

This is not the time or place for that bitterness, and nothing will ever make that right.

The real reason we should stand against racism, oppression, and injustice isn't simply because we have engaged in several protests and civil disturbances. I flatly reject that argument.

It's because we know exactly what it's like to be told that we deserve to die.

Monday, December 15, 2014

I spent my first night back in Texas with my ex Ben.

He's in rehab and has a 9:30 curfew. We cuddled and talked on a bench outside for awhile.

A lot's changed. He's coming up on one year sober and he swears it's because of something I said to him.

He is fucking adorable and he has a lot going for him. The flame's been snuffed out inside of me and I'm not attracted to him the same way I used to be when we were together. I am approaching him from another place in my heart right now. Like a brother or a friend. And in some ways by virtue of what we've both been through, we are. The love that I have left for him does not come from a place of desire or sexual attraction but it is there and it is very sincere.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sitting there wondering if I ever could go there again. But I have been around enough to know that just because someone is holding a mirror up to you right now doesn't mean you are meant to walk arm in arm together.

I don't even care what happens because I wouldn't trade this moment for anything and I'm just happy he's doing so well. His voice changed. He looks different. He feels different.

One thing I can say about this kid is that he was never anything but nice to me. Not one cross word. Not one fight. More the type of person to build other people up than to tear them down. He can say whatever he wants about how I've affected or inspired him but there are some ways in which I look up to him and I have to acknowledge that he is a better person than I am.

At the time, I was doing well and he was a little broken. How the tables have turned.

He said that Danny reached out to him recently. I thought that was hilarious. Danny obsessed over him all the time, was crazy jealous, and wanted to know everything about him and about our relationship. I don't even know how many times he brought it up.

On a serious note, I needed to not be alone right now. Coming back here was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I don't even really have to explain everything to Ben, he gets it and he knows me very well. But I went ahead and told him everything anyway.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

The Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future

Mom had her surgery last week.

There have been a lot of times in my life that I wasn't there for my family but this time I will be.

I usually have an "8 hour rule" for visiting them, so a week with them is completely unheard of. I stressed the fuck out at first but I eventually calmed down.

My sister and I had a system going where we'd alternate between taking care of mom and whoring around in La Crosse. And yay for Wisconsin boys: Hung. Good-natured. Rahr.

A lot of young men here would say they're "negative, safe only" in their profiles but then hit me up and say "poz here too" or something along those lines. Normally I'd say a few choice words and block you for that but I'm only here for the week and I really don't give a fuck what your damage is because you and me are just about fucking right now.

I came back from one of my adventures and mom was all over the place. She was talking about putting the key to my sister's Dodge into the wash basin on the floor of her truck, and I looked at her and listened for awhile before I said "Wow, this is really complicated mom. But its fascinating."

That's when I think she realized that she wasn't making any sense. She sobbed "I know!"

It was so cute. My sister's eyes bugged out. "You see her, right? You see this? You see this? I've been trying to explain this to you!"

Oh honey, I don't need high explained to me. I've been the sketch nanny for years. Let's cut mama's dose in half, she's higher than a Georgia pine right now.

All was well after that. 

I got messages from a lot of people in my past. And one by one I had to acknowledge that I never invested in friendships or relationships because Robert had to go chart his own adventure and do his thing somewhere else. This kid Justin told me how much he liked me and wanted us to become something more. I started feeling really shitty for a minute or two before I went oh, now you just wait a goddamned minute you had a boyfriend!

Not that it mattered. I still would have run off and done my own thing.

And then there was Wally the meter maid. I was working under the hood of my Talon a long fucking time ago and he came up to me looking all cute in his uniform pretending he was trying to help me. And then he gave me his number. This was before Chicago even, so I hadn't been instilled with a seething hatred for meter maids yet and I actually called him back. Everything flashed before my eyes again and everything about that was adorable. 

Ain't nobody gonna come fucking flirt with me when I'm working on my car again, I'll tell you that.

I already know that life and people had moved on without me in Chicago. But Wisconsin was something else altogether.

I saw a lot of things in the mirror that was being held up to me and I was really starting to feel very badly and hate myself for the way I'd always treated people. Guys fell for me too easily back then and I was emotionally unavailable or cold or couldn't settle down or whatever.

But if I was still like that then I wouldn't be wracked with guilt or sadness or regret over these things today.

One of my friends tried to put things into perspective. He said "Well, they're still talking to you and they seem happy to see you, right? How bad could it be?"

My running around finally ended with a guy named Sean. I've been acting out ever since I broke up with Danny and I thought I knew what I wanted but it ended up being a cuddle date, very intense and sweet and he hung around for the better part of a day and a half. He was incredibly sweet to me. That and he gave me the best fuck I've ever had in my life. I swear my eyes were gonna pop out of my head like a cartoon character when he hit whatever the hell spot that was. Hah.

We both kept checking in with each other and asking if this was okay, not too weird or whatever.

Snort. Fuck no. Are you kidding?

We grew up in different times, I guess. With guys who were just about doing the deed, no kissing, no emotion, just getting. Where if you liked someone you were a freak and you were terrified to put yourself out there and tell anyone how you felt.

I just thought to myself, aw, fuck. This is what I want, isn't it?

He doesn't know it but he stopped me in my tracks. That killed it all for me. I deleted my accounts. I stopped acting out and trying to fuck the pain away.

It must have jarred him a little too because he went home and immediately broke up with a dude he'd been seeing and was miserable with.

All I'd had to say about that was "Okay. Well. At least you are someone else's problem then."

On top of everything else I'd been feeling, now I'd met this great guy out of nowhere and I'd be leaving for Texas again in a few days.

'Cause that's what you do. You connect and you disappear.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

You don't know me
You can't hold me
I'll slip through your hands
I am one single grain of sand

You are free to love
Happily received
You are free to love
If that is all you need

I'm an empty space
I can't be replaced
So when you're finished with this dream
Delete, begin to rewrite me

Monday, December 1, 2014

I've said a lot, probably too much, about a lot of things that have been happening at work. I took a hell of a gamble and said "no thanks" and ultimately ended up with a permanent / full time offer.

There's a hook in that bait though: I have to go work out of the video lab in Austin full time.

That's too bad. I was totally on board with the idea of running away from all my problems again.

They've allowed me to work from Chicago through December 15th. They know about mom's surgery and are cool with me taking care of my family. It's been good to have some space and some time to mend my heart.

But you already know everything you need to know about Chicago.

"You've got a lot of friends and nobody knows you."

The people who were there to talk me off the ledge and let me cry on their shoulder are basically all the friends I've had since I was 15 or 16. It turns out I had amazing friends all along and I don't need to be sad that some bitter fucking bitches don't want to be friends with me.

The one amazing thing that happened was that I reconnected with my friend and long-lost mentor and confidant Cliff. I would go through all of this all over again just for that.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Shun the non-believer! Shuuuuuun!

This ... makes so many things okay right now. 

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Birds of a feather... put on makeup together.

(Well, then. This specific blog post has apparently been linked to a lot.)

The current stray asked me if I'd like to go to a meeting at Galano last night. I said "Ha ha, No thanks. I'd rather shove ground up glass up my dick hole."

He's trying to get his shit together and go to rehab. Good for him! I don't share his hope or enthusiasm right now. Personally I think rehab's a scam but I hope everything works out.

I never want to see or talk to Danny again, but this group accounts for most of the negativity in my day to day existence and that's a problem too. Once I decided I would just not go back there I felt a huge weight lifted off of my chest.

There went four years of my life I'll never get back. I could not manage to break free until now.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

"I just found my first 4th Step and it was lies!!!!"

I walked out of the smoke shop and heard two queens making fun of a friend in AA who was out on his "apology tour."

I lol'ed.

That is all.

Monday, November 25, 2013

I hit snowstorms in New Mexico.

Then after I got through all of that I hit an I-10 closure and black ice in western Texas, with highway signs reading "Travel discouraged. Stay in El Paso."

What do in the middle of nowhere during an ice storm?

              Ezekiel 23:17
              And the Babylonians came to her into the bed of love, and they defiled her with
              their whoring lust. And after she was defiled by them, she turned from them in disgust.
              18 When she carried on her whoring so openly and flaunted her nakedness, I turned in
              disgust from her, as I had turned in disgust from her sister. 19 Yet she increased her
              whoring, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of 
              Egypt 20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys,
              and whose emission was like that of horses. 21 Thus you longed for the lewdness
              of your youth, when the Egyptians handled your bosom and pressed[a] your young